Tag Archives: psychology

conflict resolution, Parenting, psychology

Values Speak Louder Than Words

Values speak louder than words
Image courtesy of clconroy / morgueFile

Values influence how we behave

Actions speak louder than words. Yes and no. Although we do communicate much information through our behaviors, our actions are a physical representation of our values. Our value system determines how we go about fulfilling our needs. Before looking at the values being expressed in the picture, let’s first see what needs are being met.

Power: The young men feel worthwhile to self in their ability to perform a handstand. Others are most likely watching so they are also contributing to the well-being of the group through physical feats and entertainment.

Belonging: At least one other person is watching (the photographer) and quite possibly others too. Maybe they are part of a group of friends hanging out at the beach. Similar to power, belonging is a basic need that encourages us to behave for the sake of being part of a group.

Freedom: To be oneself and act freely and responsibly—behaving in a way that does not deprive others of their ability to fulfill their needs.

Fun: Looks like they are enjoying themselves. Who doesn’t want to have fun!

What values are being expressed as the two young men satisfy these basic needs?
Achievement, athleticism, challenge, competition, cooperation, confidence, determination, enthusiasm, fitness, mastery, perseverance, recognition, self-control, self expression, and strength to name a few.

There is more going on than two young men performing a handstand. What you are really seeing are these values in action. How is this insight helpful?

Understanding the values being expressed by your teenager, partner, coworker, neighbor, or stranger will help you better understand how they go about fulfilling their needs. Understanding needs and values helps depersonalize one’s behaviors. This is useful when dealing with others whose behaviors you do not understand or disagree with.

Looking at someone’s values helps you see that they are trying to satisfy a need for themselves and not do something against you. This helps you become accountable with your response when you feel mistreated by someone’s actions. No matter what someone does “to you”, you always have a choice in how to respond. What needs and values are being challenged? What values are driving your behaviors?

If you find yourself in repeated conflict situations or see unhealthy patterns in your encounter with others, it may be time to have a look at your values. The good news is there are many to choose from. Like clothes, values can be changed at any time if they no longer fit.

About the author

Jean-Pierre Kallanian is a Process Facilitator and Human Systems Expert. He accompanies organizations in fully integrating their human resource potential by facilitating group processes that foster authenticity, intention, and collective wisdom. He is also the author of What You Can Learn from Your Teenager: Lessons in Parenting and Personal Growth.

 

conflict resolution, facilitation, negotiation, Parenting, psychology, relationships, teens, young people

Basic Needs Drive Teen Behavior

Teens satisfying basic needs
Image courtesy of Taliesin / morguefile.com

Teens behave to satisfy their basic needs—just like we all do.

If teens are doing what everyone else does, why are their behaviors judged and scrutinized? Four out of five basic needs are being met with this group of teens rafting (the behavior). The five basic needs are:

Survival: food, clothing, shelter, and overall safety

Belonging: being part of a group and having an identity greater than oneself

Power: having self-worth and feeling worthwhile to others

Freedom: having the liberty to live as you want while respecting common laws and the rights of others

Fun: being able to enjoy the pleasures of life

Look at the picture. Clearly the group is having fun. All other needs, except survival, are being met too. The more an activity satisfies other basic needs, the more significant that activity becomes. The young people feel a sense of freedom as they carelessly and playfully float. Since they are in a group, they belong to the rafting activity. One cannot tell how long they have known each other. They could be long-term friends or could be part of a summer youth camp and have only known each other for several days.. As individuals in a group, having purpose and meaning, the need for power is being fulfilled as well. In sum, 4 of the 5 basic needs are being met, making the activity rather important.

What is typically bothersome to adults is not that teenagers are trying to satisfy their basic needs. Rather, what adults have issues with is how teens go about satisfying those needs by scrutinizing the details. Is there anything worth complaining about in the picture? No. Imagine four highly excited young people now coming out of the water. Maybe they are laughing loudly, joking,  swearing, kicking up sand as they walk by, and dripping water on blankets as the rafts pass over sunbathers.

Here are some possible thoughts or responses.
“Teenagers are inconsiderate.”

“Teenagers are rude.”

Teenagers are obnoxious.”

Everything they had been doing to satisfy their basic needs is now forgotten and reduced to a five-second interaction and judgment. Could the teens have been quieter, respected the personal space of others, or apologized had sand or water fallen on blankets? Yes. Maybe then their complete behavior would have been more appreciated and less scrutinized.

Teens, like adults, behave to satisfy their basic needs. Keep that in mind when you are momentarily bothered by what a teen does.

Adults don’t always do it right from start to finish either. Parents behave in ways that bother teens too! Teens have the courage to go all the way and push their limits, whereas adults may hold back, shortchanging the experience and the benefits they could have reaped had they tested their boundaries a bit more.

If the teens had bothered some sunbathers, it most likely wasn’t their intent. They were most likely so wrapped up in what they were doing that they were unaware of anything or anyone else outside the scope of their activity. Don’t be so quick to judge. Adults and parents could benefit by copying how teenagers satisfy their basic needs with passion and intent.

For information on my parenting and self help book “What You Can Learn From Your Teenager: Lessons in Parenting and Personal Growth” please visit: http://www.whatyoucanlearn.com

community, conflict resolution, negotiation, organizational development, Parenting, psychology, teens, young people

Changing Your Focus Creates New Possibilities

Screen Shot 2014-05-07 at 12.01.36 PMIt is not what we look at that bothers us, rather it is what we choose to focus on. The young woman has an object of interest in her sights and is now focusing more closely on a particular aspect of the subject. What she focuses on will determine the outcome of the impression she makes. Another photographer may focus on another part of the subject giving it a new perspective and new meaning.

The Greek Stoic philosopher Epictetus stated that people are not disturbed by things but by the view they have of them. So is the case when leaders are confronted with organizational issues with subordinates or when a parent is working out a problem with a child. Contention arises when we neither make an attempt to focus on mutual interests nor seek to understand other perspectives.

When this occurs with organizations that service young people or in the parent/child case, the young people feel the brunt of the stalemate or battle. In the former, a worker’s strike or contemptuous attitude to spite administration or workers could adversely impact services causing quality to diminish. An organization’s mission could be compromised. In the latter case, a parent may use punishment or restrictions until the child concedes or the child may become defiant and obstinate if needs are not heard or met.

Those effective at problem-solving have a knack for looking at something from all perspectives, broadening his or her level of understanding, therefore allowing greater possibilities to find a resolution where all parties are satisfied. My upcoming book, What You Can Learn From Your Teenager: Lessons in Parenting and Personal Growth, offers parents the possibility to minimize these setbacks and negative impact on the parent/child relationship by changing how they look at their teenager. The book gives parents an opportunity to focus on all aspects of their adolescent, resulting in a more balanced and healthy relationship. And as a bonus, the parent may even learn something about themselves in the process.